Venezuelan President is Suspicious USA Poisoned Him

Carolyn Conte ‘14 | Opinion Editor

The cat’s out of the bag. Hugo Chavez knows that the United States gave him cancer. Or, at least that’s what he thinks.

This has to be a joke. The Venezuelan president seriously wondered aloud in a televised speech to his soldiers, “It would not be strange if they [United States] had developed the technology to induce cancer and nobody knew about it until now,” and continues to warn the Bolivian president Evo Morales, “Evo, take care of yourself,” according to The Guardian.

    Hugo should spend less time worrying about Evo Morales and more trying to fix his own evil morals. I dare an American to disagree with me that the United States really cares about attempting to poison Hugo Chavez, when we have a financial crisis on our hands as well as a billion other more important issues like the election.

Daniel Wallis of Reuters reports that Chavez told his listeners how Cuban politician Fidel Castro had advised, “Take care what you eat, what they give you to eat … a little needle and they inject you with I don’t know what,” he said. Yeah, because we definitely sent our troops to Venezuela to pretend to be his chefs and poison his food. (Warning: Sarcasm active). I suppose for now, I’ll keep secret my dreams of being a Venezuelan chef.